Our whole lives we've received messages about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. We learn this from our parents, our friends, the tv shows and movies we watch, the music we listen to, and the ads we see. This might or might not fit well with our actual experience.
When we take a critical look at these messages, we see a few things. First, these messages assume that everyone is heterosexual, which erases many people's reality. Beyond this, society prescribes a specific set of roles within this heterosexual norm.
| Men are taught to be: | Women are taught to be: | |
| Tough | Weak | |
| Dominant | Submissive | |
| Aggressive | Passive | |
| Players | Virgins | |
| Competitive | Cooperative |
Does it seem strange to see values associated with men written in pink and values associated with women in blue? This points to how strongly we are programmed to accept cultural constructions of masculinity and femininity. Men are taught and expected to take the initiative. In high school “Sadie Hawkins” dances are when the girls ask the boys out. This is a special dance because it is the opposite of what is considered the norm. Girls are taught to wait to be asked out and wait for the first kiss, while boys are taught that there role is to ask the girl out and to make that first kiss happen. This puts a lot of pressure on both men and women and doesn't allow either to be whole.
When men and women are trapped in strict gender roles, this can lead to attitudes and a culture that support unhealthy sexual behaviors. Men might think that they are doing what guys do when they are initiating or putting pressure on their partner for sexual activity. If women are taught to be passive, some men think that their job is to convince women to do things sexually. But this easily can lead to situations of compliance and coercion which are not okay. Remember that consent involves both people actively agreeing to do something. Questioning strict gender roles means women empowering themselves to take a stronger voice in what they want and do not want. It means men becoming equal participants (and listeners) and not just leaders in a pursuit with one end.
Scenario: A man has been interested in a particular woman for more than 6 months. He had a class with her and talked, but she never knew his interest. In the past couple weeks, they've started hanging out socially and it's clear that there is mutual attraction. After a night out, she invites him back to her room. They start kissing and she says that she wants to have sex with him. He doesn't want to have sex because he wants this person as a girlfriend and he knows that it won't be this way if they sleep together this fast.
Men are often expected to never refuse sex just as women are often taught not to initiate sex. However, one's decision whether or not to engage in sexual activity is not based on gender. Being male or being female does not mean anything about how you want to be with someone else. This is based on experience, emotion, values, beliefs, and your personality. Don't limit yourself by the limitations of strict gender roles. Be who you want to be, be real, be whole, be yourself.