Many people remember hearing the phrase “No means No”. This seems pretty clear because if I say, “No” it means it's time to stop. It doesn't mean to slow down. It doesn't mean keep trying until I give in. It doesn't mean that I really mean yes, but I don't want to give in too easily. It doesn't mean that I'm shy. No means one and only one thing. No means No and everyone needs to respect this.
But is this enough?
The UNH code of conduct has a “Yes means Yes” policy. It means that you must seek and receive expressed permission before engaging in any sexual contact. Yes, this means you need to ask! And you need to hear a positive response before moving on.
So what's the difference?
Everyone knows that communication is key to any relationship. “Yes means Yes” means that you have to speak up for what you want rather than assume that your partner has the same desire as you. Think of a green light (go) versus a red light (stop). What happens when it's unclear? For example, there's a power outage. Lack of a red light does not mean go. You only go once it's safe.
Everybody should feel confident enough to speak out if something is going on that they don't like or feel comfortable with. And if someone says to stop, you must stop. But sometimes this isn't the case. Maybe someone has had too much to drink and isn't communicating or making sense at all. Maybe the person feels threatened, intimidated, or too nervous to say anything at all.
Big difference.
Imagine the scenario after a sexual assault occurs. “No means No” blames the victim because one of the first questions that people ask is “Why didn't you say no?” This might make some people feel that they weren't violated if they didn't protest strongly enough. “Yes means Yes” puts the responsibility back to the perpetrator. Now the question becomes “Did you have active consent before doing anything?”
Let's take an example that might clear this up. If someone breaks into my house and steals some valuable items, who is guilty of the crime? Obviously the burglar. What about if I left my door unlocked? Still the burglar. What about if I always leave my door unlocked? Still the burglar. How about if I not only left the door unlocked, but I also left it open with the lights on? Still the burglar. The perpetrator of a crime is always responsible, not the person who has been victimized.